Women In Horror Massive Blood Drive PSA 2016
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Tuesday, February 2, 2016
SHOUT OUT: Women In Horror
Jen and Sylvia Soska (goddesses!) have done it again...
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Bleed bitches (go donate!!!)
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Quick-style Movie Review Pt 1 (Stung and Kristy)
I've watched a large number of horror movies recently. And I've neglected to write about any of them... much to my own dismay. So, I figured I'd compile a list and do the shortest summary of each I can muster. I'll throw in a few of my favorite stills (particularly death scenes!) from each to keep it interesting.
Quick-style Movie Review Part 1... GO!
Stung - a stupid rich idiot inadvertently creates giant, mutating killer wasps that attack at a snobby garden party. Complete with awkward early-20's love,a bizarre Oedipus complex (Look at my pretty, goey, wasp mommy - she's so pretty!) and the oddly humorous old guy, this is a movie that would make a fun drinking game. Fun fact - wasp goo looks like copious amounts of cum and snot. The icing on the cake for this one... just when you think its over and our main characters finally get to have unprotected, covered in blood and wasp-goo sex in an ambulance... a severed cow head drops in for the kill!
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| Ruh-Roh.... |
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| I see a bug! |
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| She's got a little scratch in her throat.... |
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| Guys... there's something in my eye... |
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| Yumm... giant maggot, and its fresh! |
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| Death by Decapitation... from a flying cow head for the win!!! |
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| Killer cow-wasp, complete with cowbell. |
Kristy - Nothing bad has ever happened to a girl - alone - in a college dorm... said no one ever. Welcome to the ritual hunt and kill for an online video cult out to kill the Kristy's of the world (aka followers of Christ - so these crazies are attempting to kill god by killing "pure, blessed" people...). I understand that it is supposed to pull you in by giving the sense that this girl could be anyone - it could be you. Kudo's that she fights back and gets some revenge, but overall I was bored. We only get to see the boyfriend for a brief period, but the fact that he called William Blake a badass and says that poetry is "an experience"... I would have rather the movie been about him. Oh, poor Justine, all alone and sad - you just know something is going to happen, and honestly was rooting a bit for our crazy little psycho-killer (qu'est que c'est) and her gang of masked hoodlums because at least they were interesting. Watch the last 15 minutes and you'll be good to go.
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| Multiple people offered to help me out, and I was stubborn and refused, now people are trying to kill me... and I'd like to order a pizza please. |
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| Sup - I'm creepy, nice to stalk you... |
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| Do you have any Grey Poupon? |
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| a spiked home run |
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| What happens when you throw water... on sodium nitrate powder? |
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Movie Review: Teeth
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| UK Movie Poster |
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| BANNED movie poster!!! |
We start out plainly enough, a sweet suburbia summer day. Right away we can tell that little boy Brad is a total douche. And dad is clearly a pushover. While we don't actually SEE anything happen, its clearly implied that Brad shows Dawn his penis in the kiddie pool... says "Now show me yours" then tries to touch her. Really?! Welcome to the family! When he pulls his hand away screaming, and sweet little Dawn is just staring blindly at his sliced open finger - well this looks like its going to get interesting.
Fast forward, little Dawn is all grown up to be a speaker at a virginity promise group.
As Brad is talking with his girlfriend, we get the first hint that he thinks something creepy is going on with sweet innocent virgin Dawn. "I think she bit it." - talking about his jacked up fingertip. If someone bites you - you'd know, right? So "think" - ? And wasn't it implied that his hand was somewhere it shouldn't have been for two young kids chillin' in a kiddie pool about to become brother and sister? So...
I have a feeling I'm going to like this movie...
Flash over to teen virgin brigade off gallivanting in the woods and the mysterious cave on behind the waterfall. Let's all stand awkwardly and stare longingly - and kinda blankly - at it.
Back to Brad the Douche - finished with fucking his girlfriend, her comment "You know, I do have a perfectly good pussy" - well there it is ladies and gentleman, he only does anal. Run now ladies. Aw that adorable Rottie "Mother" - sometimes it makes me sad when they stereotype breeds. But anyways...
And back to The Never Been Laid - boy interest Toby has had sex once, which Dawn translates to "you've seen the dangers first hand" - really? Sex is that terrifying? I mean, some people like it like that - I'm not one to judge - but come on.
Oh sweet innocent Dawn, laying in bed, being all pure and - wait, what is she doing, her thought-porn is marriage? All dressed up fancy in a white dress... flash to the creepy movie scene of the scorpion screeching mouth. Bad Dawn, no touching yourself, don't even think about it or you'll hallucinate giant bug mouths!
Oh boys locker room! Woot woot! FINALLY naked ass... and there it is - DICK! Its far away and in the distance, but its our first flash.
How sweet for Toby and Dawn, fresh out of the shower and chit chatting on the phone from their locker-rooms - about the fact that they like each other and so that's why they can't see each other, even in a group? Damn temptations. Way to admit you have no self control kids.
Dawns parents fighting as she's reading about mythology, angsty Brad playing with his guitar. Just another day in suburbia. Out of nowhere, Dawn suddenly decides that she wants to attempt to talk to her brother and establish a brother-sister relationship. Well, of course that's not the kind of relationship Brad wants... Oh Brad, you're so gross - its your step-sister, gross! GROSS! Way to be a class A perv! Douche!
So Dawn's reaction to being hit on by her step-brother, calling Toby to go swimming! Oh naughty rebel Dawn! There it is - two teens, wiggling around in the water together, of course they start making out! Of course it doesn't feel wrong you morons - your mostly hormones at this point in the human life-cycle so just give in... "Purity". Dammit Dawn, way to ruin the mood!
Swim away, swim away! (Imagine in Nemo-fish voice)
And into the mysterious cave we go - of course nothing bad could possibly happen, two sweet kids just out for an afternoon swim to explore a soft moss covered cave, all secluded and romantic - oh how convenient, blankets and pillows. Let the making out resume! But, of course Dawn wants to stop - don't forget about the sacred promise! Oh Toby don't... and he bumps her head - whoopsie! - and out she goes. Well, the most logical thing for Toby at that point is of course... proceed with raping the unconscious girl who talks about nothing but being a perfect little virgin Christian and wears a freaking purity ring like its a weapon.
When she wakes to him already inside of her seconds later, and refusing to stop despite her protests, we find out that unfortunately for our born-again Christian turned teen-rapist Toby, Dawn's vagina has other plans for his precious dick. After much screaming and shocked faces we are finally confronted with - a bloody mess of what used to be Toby's penis! Oh no.. oh wait, its over there on the floor!
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| (sorry for the quality, best I could find) |
Ok, back to poor Dawn freaking out in the cave... I wonder how far No-Dick Toby got before he bled out? (Note the never-been-more-appropriate shirt Dawn is rocking that reads: "Warning: Sex Changes Everything")
She meanders back home and hops in the shower, has flashes of hearing Toby cry out, and like any girl going through a hard time - rips down all of the pictures from her wall in a fit. On to the purity talk, our dear Dawn is all teary eyed and mumbling disconnected sentences while the crowd of zombie-jesus kids quoting creepy parts of the bible. It was a tad reminiscent of Children of the Corn, up on the weirdness factor.
And there goes the purity ring - it's game on now boys!
Really, you can't go find a picture of a vagina somewhere? Google? This movie did come out in 2007 - why would you waste time soaking a page of a book just to get a sticker off? Only to proceed directly to the computer!
And we're finally introduced to... VAGINA DENTATA!!!!
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| Pretty sure this is anyone's face reading about what Vagina Dentata is for the first time... |
What's the first thing a young girl should do should she suspect her vag is filled with teeth? Head straight to the friendly gynecologist. Or.. the overly friendly gynecologist! This poor girl, is every man in her town a dirty rapist?
Just for the record... no girl's face should EVER look like this at the doctors office:
I will admit, I did laugh a bit as these two flail around, his hand being crunched by her coochie-teeth, both trying to get away from each other.
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| And generally speaking, it is probably not a good thing if you ever see your Doctor make this face... |
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| THAT many fingers - not from your DR! |
Dawn gets home and, suddenly her mom is on the ground. To the hospital we go! (Her mom's sickness isn't really something that gets much of an explanation, and seems to just pop in and out of the story to create a bit of an interruption. It is actually a tad annoying.) Dawn freaks - runs to the only other guy that we've seen give her any attention, and to receive a punch in the face from her step-douche Brad previously when he tried to ask her out, Ryan.
What would a nice guy do should a poor girl come running to his house spouting about her vagina dentata murdering people? He gives her a pill that "his mom takes to calm her nerves" and as Dawn gets nice and fucked up in the bath, he lights a hundred candles (seriously who has that many candles!?) and pops a nice bottle of bubbly! Next we see Dawn - clearly doped out of her mind - naked and being fondled by Ryan. But, wait, is she enjoying it? Suddenly she seems to remember that her pussy miiiight end up biting off his dick - but he calms her claiming to be her conquering hero - so, onward they plunge.
Cut to coroner's office - "The penile stump" - hahahah. Here, we get to see a sample of a tooth from Dawn's down under... being described as a mix between a shark's and a lamprey's but mysteriously the tests show it is human! That thing is impressive in size.
Back to Dawn - oh ok, they're having sex - like full on sex. At first I thought it wasn't going so well, I thought he was screaming, but those were actually his joy noises. Poor kid, squeaks when he cums! Dawn seems to be enjoying herself as well... could it be that Ryan is her hero?
Pop quiz- what do you NOT want a girl to say after you've just had sex?
"I can't believe you're still alive!"
As the doctor prepares for surgery, refusing to tell how he ended up with 4 chopped off fingers... Dawn admires her naked body in the mirror - freshly changed from Innocent Do-gooder Virgin girl, to Sex Queen with a secret weapon. You can clearly see a change has taken place for Dawn, the way she looks back at herself, there's a type of power in her eyes now it seems. Where once stood a scared girl, is now a woman.
And one that apparently totally loves sex now! Cuz' it is game on again - look at these happy kids go! But wait, the moment gets totally ruined when he picks up the phone in the middle of it all, and admits that he made a bet he'd get to fuck her. And then Dawn gets pissed... and when Dawn gets pissed.. so do her teeth.
Let the screaming and shocked look commence as another penis bites the dust...
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Dawn goes to the hospital, to go see mom - and the nurses are acting all weird... we find out that her mom has died. (Again, no actual explanation for anything.)
Meanwhile, her step dad is trying to kick Brad out of the house (which by the way, he reacts very maturely, like the douche he is - by freakin' jumping on the damn bed! ...Really!?) Father fights Son - what kind of kid releases an attack dog on his own father? Seriously - he deserved an ass beating a loooong time ago! Brad finally admits - he hates his dad because he made Dawn his sister - and he loves her. (Again with the super gross! Talked about a seriously fucked up family.)
Insert another cut-shot to surgery room, Ryan on the table with a nice towel draped over his severed dick. I literally laughed out loud when the doctor commented "It hardly seems worth it."
Dawn, with her Pussy-Power gets all dolled up in white and ready to grab a bite... of dear, sweet Brad. Picture Brad confused as she takes his joint from him... and hits it.
As she sits beside him, he flinches at her touch and looks down, avoiding eye contact with her. She asks if he's afraid and climbs on top of him. And scared Brad disappears as he reacts by throwing her over and trying to go at her his way. She stops him - seductivly lifts her dress - he is clearly worried but then begins admiring her body. And then... Brad is doing the deed with his step-sister and talking about he new it would end up like this since they were little. *Gags* And poor Mother (the dog) is watching the entire thing...
Suddenly, Dawn pulls him in - things get very tense - and we hear the tell-tale crunch.
Dear Brad, finally getting what you deserve.
Oh but - Mother gets out... and instead of doing as Brad commands... is that a treat on the floor?!
And I laughed so hard I cried when Brad tries to calmly ask his dog to "Drop it" and the dog responds by eating it! And then spitting out the tip! Fucking fantastic!!!
And in her white dress, sweet Dawn hitch-hikes away...
Oh but it is not over quite yet. Of course - there has to be a totally creepy old guy to be the one to pick her up. And lock her in the car, not speaking but clearly implying... with his dirty old creepy tongue, what he wants from Dawn. Uh, the look on her face is one pretty much all women have made - that is the 'you've got to be fucking kidding me' look.
And for s&g's I found some other related pictures...
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Movie Review: Vile
This is going to be short and sweet. I don't want to waste much time with this particular "film".
Here's the basic storyline: People are kidnapped and locked up, a medical device that collects chemicals produced when the body is in extreme pain is attached to their brains. They now have 22 hours to torture each other, fill the viles, and be released.
Fantastic concept!!!
...Absolutly horrid execution. I've seen better acting at a middle school play.
Granted, the actual torture scenes were pretty wicked, they do make you cringe. The things these people do to each other are truely vile (hot iron on a stomach, sticking arms in boiling water, rippings fingernails out - damnit how I hate that more than anything else *shivers*). However the absolute stupidity behind them just makes it unnecessarily rediculous.
IF you decide to watch this - you might as well keep it on mute, put some weird music on, and fastforward to the nasty parts.
| Movie title = Movie description |
This is going to be short and sweet. I don't want to waste much time with this particular "film".
Here's the basic storyline: People are kidnapped and locked up, a medical device that collects chemicals produced when the body is in extreme pain is attached to their brains. They now have 22 hours to torture each other, fill the viles, and be released.
Fantastic concept!!!
...Absolutly horrid execution. I've seen better acting at a middle school play.
Granted, the actual torture scenes were pretty wicked, they do make you cringe. The things these people do to each other are truely vile (hot iron on a stomach, sticking arms in boiling water, rippings fingernails out - damnit how I hate that more than anything else *shivers*). However the absolute stupidity behind them just makes it unnecessarily rediculous.
IF you decide to watch this - you might as well keep it on mute, put some weird music on, and fastforward to the nasty parts.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
MY Rules
Rules and Things I Have Learned from Watching “Horror” Movies
(Please note – I use the term the “Big Nasty” for anything considered the antagonist.)
1. If a hot girl is wearing a white shirt, she is going to get wet.
a. The shirt will also probably get torn.
2. If it “can’t possibly be true” – it is.
a. Consider all possibilities – aliens, creature, legends, myths and fairy-tales always have the chance of being real (and more violent than Disney can possibly conceive).
3. If the lead character is a female she will most likely either be a victim or a heroine.
a. If she’s the victim, her chances of getting raped increase
4. If the lead female does get raped, there are two outcomes – Death or Revenge.
5. Don’t bathe alone.
a. Even better, don’t do anything alone if you can help it.
6. If you think it can’t get worse, it probably will.
7. Don’t open the door. Regardless of if you hear something or not, just don’t open it.
8. If you think it’s finally over, it’s not.
9. You will run out of ammo.
10. Always keep weapons available.
a. Consider any object a possible weapon.
11. If there are children they will probably either be victims or the Big Nasty.
a. If they’re the Big Nasty they’re either possessed, mutants, or just fucking evil.
12. If you lose a body part, replace it with a weapon. Your chances of survival will increase, as will your “badass-ness”.
13. If it seems too easy or too obvious, it’s probably a trap.
14. Don’t go towards strange lights or listen to strange sounds.
15. If you think you’re finally safe, you aren’t.
16. If someone is running through the woods, they will trip and fall.
a. Chances increase if female, and increase more if blond and/or in limited clothing.
17. If there is a car, it will die or run out of gas, so don’t depend on it.
a. Exception – if the car is the Big Nasty, then it will never die.
18. If the power suddenly goes out, don’t go into the basement or attic to investigate.
a. Actually, just don’t go investigate. Anything. Ever.
19. Don’t make fun of the dead or mess with any of their shit… this includes doing any activities (especially building) over burial sites!
20. Don’t fuck with the natives/locals.
21. Don’t get involved in genetic/psychological/social or any other experiment.
22. Do NOT get involved in ANYTHING run by or for the government.
23. If an animal reacts strangely towards someone, stay away from them. Trust animal instincts.
24. Don’t go to middle-of-nowhere locations (hotels, camping, houses, caves etc).
a. If you have to go – don’t go alone, have plenty of weapons, supplies, and always tell as many people as possible where you are going.
25. Stay on the main road. Fuck shortcuts and don’t go out of your way to go sightseeing to unusual things or places.
26. If someone warns you to NOT do something… for the love of cheese DON’T DO IT!
27. Skinny-dipping never ends well.
28. If you don’t know what it is, DON’T TOUCH IT! This goes double for anything with mysterious symbols or writing on it.
29. Don’t break any mirrors – the exception being if this is how to defeat the Big Nasty.
30. Bullies will eventually get what is coming to them – so don’t be one; and stay on the good side of those that do get bullied.
31. Always carry a lighter. (NOT matches!!!)
32. Always carry a knife.
33. Don’t invite anyone you don’t know inside.
a. If someone you do know seems to have a problem entering without an invitation, don’t invite them! (It is now in fact, probably in your best interest to kill them before they try to kill you.)
34. Don’t pick up hitch-hikers.
a. Don’t hit them either, they’ll come back to get you.
35. The Big Nasty ALWAYS LIES.
a. Unless they are describing how they want to torture/rape/murder you.
36. If someone tells you to run – don’t ask why, just start running.
37. If you see everyone else running away, or all the animals start leaving, it’s probably a good idea to follow the crowd.
38. Cell phone reception sucks, as soon as you need it you won’t get service. (Not that it hurts to have one…)
39. Sometimes it might just be better to kill yourself than end up at the mercy of the Big Nasty.
a. This is triple-true if it’s an Asian film.
40. If you “sin” – you will get punished and/or die for it (meaning sex, drinking, drugs, stealing, etc.)
41. If you are fighting with something religious – you better have real faith, it will be tested.
42. Cutting off the Big Nasty’s head is usually a sure-fire way to make sure it’s really dead.
a. However, do NOT do this if the Big Nasty happens to be a hydra – this will only make it worse.
b. Also, don’t always count on it if the Big Nasty is a genetic experiment, or any part of it is electronic.
43. Always pay attention to intuition/your gut. Logic isn’t always in play… (Still use common sense!)
44. The local drunk/crazy old person/weird scientist usually has good advice, heed any of their warnings.
45. Don’t play around with magic if you don’t know what you’re doing. (This includes “just-playing” with Ouija boards, tarot, voodoo dolls, or pretty much anything Occult-related.)
a. Never piss off someone who does any of these things.
46. The killer will always show up right behind you, or if you’re running – they will show up in front of you after you’ve fallen.
47. Don’t plead for help or try to bargain with the Big Nasty – you’re going to die either way, you just look like a pussy if you beg.
48. Abandoned places should stay that way.
49. Have the police, a priest, someone who knows how to fight/shoot, and someone with “mystical” knowledge in your list of friends.
50. If objects start doing things they aren’t supposed to – leave immediately.
51. If something falls from space – get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.
52. If something takes batteries, it is going to die, especially if it’s your light-source.
53. Just because you can’t see the Big Nasty, doesn’t mean it can’t see you. In fact, it’s probably watching you very closely.
54. If you have the opportunity to kill the Big Nasty – do NOT hesitate, fucking kill it!
55. Aim to kill, not to injure. If you injure the Big Nasty you just make it worse.
56. Destroy the ENTIRE body of the Big Nasty (fire is usually the preferred method). Don’t take any chances of allowing it to return.
57. Death count increases with each sequel.
58. NEVER let your guard down.
59. Shut up. Screaming will give away your position and attract the Big Nasty.
60. Don’t always count law enforcement to be helpful; also don’t always assume they’re “good”.
61. If someone tells you they saw or heard something, believe them, especially if it’s a child.
62. Sleep in shifts, if alone… don’t sleep.
63. It’s always a possibility that you are the killer.
64. It’s always a possibility you’ve been dead this whole time.
65. Be very, very, VERY careful how you phrase your wishes, or even better – just don’t make a wish out-loud at all.
66. Stay in the light, sunlight is preferred.
67. Religious people can either be very helpful – or totally off their rocker. If anything they say or show you seem even the slightest bit “zealot-ish”, get the fuck away as fast as possible (and do NOT make fun of them/their beliefs!)
68. Curiosity will get you killed. Sometimes ignorance is not only bliss; it’s a longer life-span.
69. If someone puts something to your face to breathe into, don’t breathe. Just pretend to pass out and continue to listen for clues.
70. You won’t be able to find the right key right away, and you’re going to drop them.
a. If this happens – just run, don’t reach to find them.
71. Don’t ask “is someone there” or “who is it”, yes there is someone there and it’s the Big Nasty.
72. Someone will always ask “Why are you doing this” and/or “what do you want from me”, this doesn’t help the situation at all and usually results in the Big Nasty laughing at them.
73. Someone motivated by revenge will usually end up dead.
a. Exception - a female taking revenge on her rapists and/or would-be murderers – in that case she’s usually a bad-ass and completely justified.
74. Hotness has a direct correlation to survival – ugly or super-hot people usually die first.
a. This goes for sluttiness as well.
75. Minorities’ chances of survival are always lower,
a. Unless the main character is a minority – than this may be to their advantage.
76. If traveling in another country – know the language or be with someone who does.
77. Don’t trust anyone. Ever.
78. Don’t drink or eat anything someone gives you, you will most likely end up drugged and/or dead.
79. If the hot girl/guy suddenly takes an interest in the average character – they have an ulterior motive and are probably evil and/or possessed.
80. An animal will either be helpful or try to kill you.
a. The bigger the animal, the higher the chances of it trying to kill you are.
81. Don’t look into the Big Nasty’s eyes.
82. If someone has a video camera, it will eventually document their death from a sideways angle.
83. Don’t run up stairs.
84. Don’t run down stairs.
a. Actually, avoid stairs all together if you can.
85. If a two people fall in love during a movie – either one will die which will lead to a revenge plot and/or sequel, or they will both live.
a. Exception – any movie that has a Romeo & Juliet theme means they will both die.
86. If we see a girl’s boobs, she’s going to die.
a. Bigger/faker boobs exponentially increase chances of death happening sooner.
87. Don’t go into a dark room.
88. Never rely on rescue – they’re either killed upon arrival, useless, or working with the Big Nasty.
89. Don’t get bit, scratched, kissed, or otherwise touched… by the Big Nasty.
90. When in doubt, silver bullets.
91. Virginity = Life.
92. Don’t poke it. Whatever it is, it is always safer to just leave it the fuck alone.
93. The police probably won’t believe you.
a. Still, it doesn’t hurt to tell them; sometimes it can be safer inside a guarded cell.
94. It wouldn’t hurt to always have a stake handy.
a. Holy water can also be useful.
95. Look UP.
96. Do NOT read shit out-loud, you never know if it will invoke the wrath of the Big Nasty.
97. Toys and dolls are not fucking cute, they can be fucking dangerous. If they weren't where you left them, or start talking on their own, or just seem creepy AT ALL - DESTROY IT!
98. NEVER go check to see if the Big Nasty is really dead. Either make sure it’s dead the first time, or assume it’s still alive.
99. Always assume that the Big Nasty can eventually come back (no matter how demolished you think it is).
100. PAY ATTENTION!!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Rules: As previously stated
Rules to Surviving in a Zombie Infested World
– According to Zombieland
1. Cardio
2. Double Tap
3. Beware of bathrooms
4. Wear seatbelts
5. –
6. Cast iron skillet
7. Travel light
8. Get a kickass partner
9. –
10. –
11. –
12. Bounty paper towels
13. –
14. –
15. Bowling ball
16. –
17. Don’t be a hero (which later becomes “Be a hero” to save the love-interest)
18. Limber up
19. –
20. –
21. Avoid strip clubs
22. When in doubt, know your way out
23. –
24. –
25. –
26. –
27. –
28. –
29. The buddy system
30. –
31. Check the back seat
32. Enjoy the little things
33. Swiss army knife
34. Clean socks
35. –
36. –
37. –
38. –
39. –
40. –
41. –
42. –
43. –
44. –
45. –
46. –
47. –
48. Hygiene
49. Always have backup
The Rules for surviving Horror Films
– According to Scream
1. You can never have sex
2. You can never drink or do drugs.
3. Never, ever, ever under any circumstances, say “I’ll be right back.”
- According to Scream 3
1. The killer has to be super human – stabbing or shooting won’t be enough to finish him off
2. Anyone – including the main character – can die
3. The past will come back to haunt you
As Detective Mark Kincaid said, “All I know about movie trilogies is in the third one, all bets are off”.
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| Courtesy of Cheezburger.com |
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