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| UK Movie Poster |
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| BANNED movie poster!!! |
We start out plainly enough, a sweet suburbia summer day. Right away we can tell that little boy Brad is a total douche. And dad is clearly a pushover. While we don't actually SEE anything happen, its clearly implied that Brad shows Dawn his penis in the kiddie pool... says "Now show me yours" then tries to touch her. Really?! Welcome to the family! When he pulls his hand away screaming, and sweet little Dawn is just staring blindly at his sliced open finger - well this looks like its going to get interesting.
Fast forward, little Dawn is all grown up to be a speaker at a virginity promise group.
As Brad is talking with his girlfriend, we get the first hint that he thinks something creepy is going on with sweet innocent virgin Dawn. "I think she bit it." - talking about his jacked up fingertip. If someone bites you - you'd know, right? So "think" - ? And wasn't it implied that his hand was somewhere it shouldn't have been for two young kids chillin' in a kiddie pool about to become brother and sister? So...
I have a feeling I'm going to like this movie...
Flash over to teen virgin brigade off gallivanting in the woods and the mysterious cave on behind the waterfall. Let's all stand awkwardly and stare longingly - and kinda blankly - at it.
Back to Brad the Douche - finished with fucking his girlfriend, her comment "You know, I do have a perfectly good pussy" - well there it is ladies and gentleman, he only does anal. Run now ladies. Aw that adorable Rottie "Mother" - sometimes it makes me sad when they stereotype breeds. But anyways...
And back to The Never Been Laid - boy interest Toby has had sex once, which Dawn translates to "you've seen the dangers first hand" - really? Sex is that terrifying? I mean, some people like it like that - I'm not one to judge - but come on.
Oh sweet innocent Dawn, laying in bed, being all pure and - wait, what is she doing, her thought-porn is marriage? All dressed up fancy in a white dress... flash to the creepy movie scene of the scorpion screeching mouth. Bad Dawn, no touching yourself, don't even think about it or you'll hallucinate giant bug mouths!
Oh boys locker room! Woot woot! FINALLY naked ass... and there it is - DICK! Its far away and in the distance, but its our first flash.
How sweet for Toby and Dawn, fresh out of the shower and chit chatting on the phone from their locker-rooms - about the fact that they like each other and so that's why they can't see each other, even in a group? Damn temptations. Way to admit you have no self control kids.
Dawns parents fighting as she's reading about mythology, angsty Brad playing with his guitar. Just another day in suburbia. Out of nowhere, Dawn suddenly decides that she wants to attempt to talk to her brother and establish a brother-sister relationship. Well, of course that's not the kind of relationship Brad wants... Oh Brad, you're so gross - its your step-sister, gross! GROSS! Way to be a class A perv! Douche!
So Dawn's reaction to being hit on by her step-brother, calling Toby to go swimming! Oh naughty rebel Dawn! There it is - two teens, wiggling around in the water together, of course they start making out! Of course it doesn't feel wrong you morons - your mostly hormones at this point in the human life-cycle so just give in... "Purity". Dammit Dawn, way to ruin the mood!
Swim away, swim away! (Imagine in Nemo-fish voice)
And into the mysterious cave we go - of course nothing bad could possibly happen, two sweet kids just out for an afternoon swim to explore a soft moss covered cave, all secluded and romantic - oh how convenient, blankets and pillows. Let the making out resume! But, of course Dawn wants to stop - don't forget about the sacred promise! Oh Toby don't... and he bumps her head - whoopsie! - and out she goes. Well, the most logical thing for Toby at that point is of course... proceed with raping the unconscious girl who talks about nothing but being a perfect little virgin Christian and wears a freaking purity ring like its a weapon.
When she wakes to him already inside of her seconds later, and refusing to stop despite her protests, we find out that unfortunately for our born-again Christian turned teen-rapist Toby, Dawn's vagina has other plans for his precious dick. After much screaming and shocked faces we are finally confronted with - a bloody mess of what used to be Toby's penis! Oh no.. oh wait, its over there on the floor!
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| (sorry for the quality, best I could find) |
Ok, back to poor Dawn freaking out in the cave... I wonder how far No-Dick Toby got before he bled out? (Note the never-been-more-appropriate shirt Dawn is rocking that reads: "Warning: Sex Changes Everything")
She meanders back home and hops in the shower, has flashes of hearing Toby cry out, and like any girl going through a hard time - rips down all of the pictures from her wall in a fit. On to the purity talk, our dear Dawn is all teary eyed and mumbling disconnected sentences while the crowd of zombie-jesus kids quoting creepy parts of the bible. It was a tad reminiscent of Children of the Corn, up on the weirdness factor.
And there goes the purity ring - it's game on now boys!
Really, you can't go find a picture of a vagina somewhere? Google? This movie did come out in 2007 - why would you waste time soaking a page of a book just to get a sticker off? Only to proceed directly to the computer!
And we're finally introduced to... VAGINA DENTATA!!!!
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| Pretty sure this is anyone's face reading about what Vagina Dentata is for the first time... |
What's the first thing a young girl should do should she suspect her vag is filled with teeth? Head straight to the friendly gynecologist. Or.. the overly friendly gynecologist! This poor girl, is every man in her town a dirty rapist?
Just for the record... no girl's face should EVER look like this at the doctors office:
I will admit, I did laugh a bit as these two flail around, his hand being crunched by her coochie-teeth, both trying to get away from each other.
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| And generally speaking, it is probably not a good thing if you ever see your Doctor make this face... |
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| THAT many fingers - not from your DR! |
Dawn gets home and, suddenly her mom is on the ground. To the hospital we go! (Her mom's sickness isn't really something that gets much of an explanation, and seems to just pop in and out of the story to create a bit of an interruption. It is actually a tad annoying.) Dawn freaks - runs to the only other guy that we've seen give her any attention, and to receive a punch in the face from her step-douche Brad previously when he tried to ask her out, Ryan.
What would a nice guy do should a poor girl come running to his house spouting about her vagina dentata murdering people? He gives her a pill that "his mom takes to calm her nerves" and as Dawn gets nice and fucked up in the bath, he lights a hundred candles (seriously who has that many candles!?) and pops a nice bottle of bubbly! Next we see Dawn - clearly doped out of her mind - naked and being fondled by Ryan. But, wait, is she enjoying it? Suddenly she seems to remember that her pussy miiiight end up biting off his dick - but he calms her claiming to be her conquering hero - so, onward they plunge.
Cut to coroner's office - "The penile stump" - hahahah. Here, we get to see a sample of a tooth from Dawn's down under... being described as a mix between a shark's and a lamprey's but mysteriously the tests show it is human! That thing is impressive in size.
Back to Dawn - oh ok, they're having sex - like full on sex. At first I thought it wasn't going so well, I thought he was screaming, but those were actually his joy noises. Poor kid, squeaks when he cums! Dawn seems to be enjoying herself as well... could it be that Ryan is her hero?
Pop quiz- what do you NOT want a girl to say after you've just had sex?
"I can't believe you're still alive!"
As the doctor prepares for surgery, refusing to tell how he ended up with 4 chopped off fingers... Dawn admires her naked body in the mirror - freshly changed from Innocent Do-gooder Virgin girl, to Sex Queen with a secret weapon. You can clearly see a change has taken place for Dawn, the way she looks back at herself, there's a type of power in her eyes now it seems. Where once stood a scared girl, is now a woman.
And one that apparently totally loves sex now! Cuz' it is game on again - look at these happy kids go! But wait, the moment gets totally ruined when he picks up the phone in the middle of it all, and admits that he made a bet he'd get to fuck her. And then Dawn gets pissed... and when Dawn gets pissed.. so do her teeth.
Let the screaming and shocked look commence as another penis bites the dust...
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Dawn goes to the hospital, to go see mom - and the nurses are acting all weird... we find out that her mom has died. (Again, no actual explanation for anything.)
Meanwhile, her step dad is trying to kick Brad out of the house (which by the way, he reacts very maturely, like the douche he is - by freakin' jumping on the damn bed! ...Really!?) Father fights Son - what kind of kid releases an attack dog on his own father? Seriously - he deserved an ass beating a loooong time ago! Brad finally admits - he hates his dad because he made Dawn his sister - and he loves her. (Again with the super gross! Talked about a seriously fucked up family.)
Insert another cut-shot to surgery room, Ryan on the table with a nice towel draped over his severed dick. I literally laughed out loud when the doctor commented "It hardly seems worth it."
Dawn, with her Pussy-Power gets all dolled up in white and ready to grab a bite... of dear, sweet Brad. Picture Brad confused as she takes his joint from him... and hits it.
As she sits beside him, he flinches at her touch and looks down, avoiding eye contact with her. She asks if he's afraid and climbs on top of him. And scared Brad disappears as he reacts by throwing her over and trying to go at her his way. She stops him - seductivly lifts her dress - he is clearly worried but then begins admiring her body. And then... Brad is doing the deed with his step-sister and talking about he new it would end up like this since they were little. *Gags* And poor Mother (the dog) is watching the entire thing...
Suddenly, Dawn pulls him in - things get very tense - and we hear the tell-tale crunch.
Dear Brad, finally getting what you deserve.
Oh but - Mother gets out... and instead of doing as Brad commands... is that a treat on the floor?!
And I laughed so hard I cried when Brad tries to calmly ask his dog to "Drop it" and the dog responds by eating it! And then spitting out the tip! Fucking fantastic!!!
And in her white dress, sweet Dawn hitch-hikes away...
Oh but it is not over quite yet. Of course - there has to be a totally creepy old guy to be the one to pick her up. And lock her in the car, not speaking but clearly implying... with his dirty old creepy tongue, what he wants from Dawn. Uh, the look on her face is one pretty much all women have made - that is the 'you've got to be fucking kidding me' look.
And for s&g's I found some other related pictures...
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