Movie Review: Teeth

Teeth.

First, let's take a look at the various posters that this unique movie inspired:

 

                             UK Movie Poster

BANNED movie poster!!!

Well, now that we have a pretty good idea on what this movie is about, it's time to press play...

We start out plainly enough, a sweet suburbia summer day. Right away we can tell that little boy Brad is a total douche. And dad is clearly a pushover. While we don't actually SEE anything happen, its clearly implied that Brad shows Dawn his penis in the kiddie pool... says "Now show me yours" then tries to touch her. Really?! Welcome to the family! When he pulls his hand away screaming, and sweet little Dawn is just staring blindly at his sliced open finger - well this looks like its going to get interesting.

Fast forward, little Dawn is all grown up to be a speaker at a virginity promise group.

 And "grown up" Brad (I put grown up in quotes because this douche will always be a child no matter how old he is, plus John Hensley makes it so easy to hate him....) the bad boy, teen-angstified goth/punk/stoner covered in tattoos (personal note - unless you're actually a tribal person, you look like a moron with a tribal tattoo.)

As Brad is talking with his girlfriend, we get the first hint that he thinks something creepy is going on with sweet innocent virgin Dawn.  "I think she bit it." - talking about his jacked up fingertip.  If someone bites you - you'd know, right?  So "think" - ?  And wasn't it implied that his hand was somewhere it shouldn't have been for two young kids chillin' in a kiddie pool about to become brother and sister?  So...

I have a feeling I'm going to like this movie...

Flash over to teen virgin brigade off gallivanting in the woods and the mysterious cave on behind the waterfall. Let's all stand awkwardly and stare longingly - and kinda blankly - at it.

Back to Brad the Douche - finished with fucking his girlfriend, her comment "You know, I do have a perfectly good pussy" - well there it is ladies and gentleman, he only does anal.  Run now ladies.  Aw that adorable Rottie "Mother" - sometimes it makes me sad when they stereotype breeds.  But anyways...

And back to The Never Been Laid - boy interest Toby has had sex once, which Dawn translates to "you've seen the dangers first hand" - really?  Sex is that terrifying?  I mean, some people like it like that - I'm not one to judge - but come on.

Oh sweet innocent Dawn, laying in bed, being all pure and - wait, what is she doing, her thought-porn is marriage?  All dressed up fancy in a white dress... flash to the creepy movie scene of the scorpion screeching mouth.   Bad Dawn, no touching yourself, don't even think about it or you'll hallucinate giant bug mouths!

Oh boys locker room! Woot woot!  FINALLY naked ass... and there it is - DICK!  Its far away and in the distance, but its our first flash.

How sweet for Toby and Dawn, fresh out of the shower and chit chatting on the phone from their locker-rooms - about the fact that they like each other and so that's why they can't see each other, even in a group?  Damn temptations. Way to admit you have no self control kids.

Dawns parents fighting as she's reading about mythology, angsty Brad playing with his guitar.  Just another day in suburbia.  Out of nowhere, Dawn suddenly decides that she wants to attempt to talk to her brother and establish a brother-sister relationship.  Well, of course that's not the kind of relationship Brad wants... Oh Brad, you're so gross - its your step-sister, gross! GROSS!  Way to be a class A perv! Douche!

So Dawn's reaction to being hit on by her step-brother, calling Toby to go swimming! Oh naughty rebel Dawn!  There it is - two teens, wiggling around in the water together, of course they start making out!  Of course it doesn't feel wrong you morons - your mostly hormones at this point in the human life-cycle so just give in... "Purity".  Dammit Dawn, way to ruin the mood!

Swim away, swim away! (Imagine in Nemo-fish voice)

And into the mysterious cave we go - of course nothing bad could possibly happen, two sweet kids just out for an afternoon swim to explore a soft moss covered cave, all secluded and romantic - oh how convenient, blankets and pillows.  Let the making out resume!  But, of course Dawn wants to stop - don't forget about the sacred promise!  Oh Toby don't... and he bumps her head - whoopsie! - and out she goes.  Well, the most logical thing for Toby at that point is of course... proceed with raping the unconscious girl who talks about nothing but being a perfect little virgin Christian and wears a freaking purity ring like its a weapon.

When she wakes to him already inside of her seconds later, and refusing to stop despite her protests, we find out that unfortunately for our born-again Christian turned teen-rapist Toby, Dawn's vagina has other plans for his precious dick. After much screaming and shocked faces we are finally confronted with - a bloody mess of what used to be Toby's penis!  Oh no.. oh wait, its over there on the floor!

(sorry for the quality, best I could find)

Now that's just not something you see every day. Well, unless you're me and watching movies with genital mutilation isn't out of the ordinary.  And now for your enjoyment - King Missile's "Detachable Penis"

Ok, back to poor Dawn freaking out in the cave... I wonder how far No-Dick Toby got before he bled out?  (Note the never-been-more-appropriate shirt Dawn is rocking that reads: "Warning: Sex Changes Everything")

She meanders back home and hops in the shower, has flashes of hearing Toby cry out, and like any girl going through a hard time - rips down all of the pictures from her wall in a fit.  On to the purity talk, our dear Dawn is all teary eyed and mumbling disconnected sentences while the crowd of zombie-jesus kids quoting creepy parts of the bible.  It was a tad reminiscent of Children of the Corn, up on the weirdness factor.

And there goes the purity ring - it's game on now boys!

Really, you can't go find a picture of a vagina somewhere?  Google?  This movie did come out in 2007 - why would you waste time soaking a page of a book just to get a sticker off? Only to proceed directly to the computer!

And we're finally introduced to... VAGINA DENTATA!!!!

Pretty sure this is anyone's face reading about what Vagina Dentata is for the first time...

What's the first thing a young girl should do should she suspect her vag is filled with teeth?  Head straight to the friendly gynecologist.  Or.. the overly friendly gynecologist!  This poor girl, is every man in her town a dirty rapist?

Just for the record... no girl's face should EVER look like this at the doctors office:

  I will admit, I did laugh a bit as these two flail around, his hand being crunched by her coochie-teeth, both trying to get away from each other.

And generally speaking, it is probably not a good thing if you ever see your Doctor make this face...

THAT many fingers - not from your DR!

Next scene please...

Dawn gets home and, suddenly her mom is on the ground. To the hospital we go! (Her mom's sickness isn't really something that gets much of an explanation, and seems to just pop in and out of the story to create a bit of an interruption.  It is actually a tad annoying.) Dawn freaks - runs to the only other guy that we've seen give her any attention, and to receive a punch in the face from her step-douche Brad previously when he tried to ask her out, Ryan.

What would a nice guy do should a poor girl come running to his house spouting about her vagina dentata murdering people?  He gives her a pill that "his mom takes to calm her nerves" and as Dawn gets nice and fucked up in the bath, he lights a hundred candles (seriously who has that many candles!?) and pops a nice bottle of bubbly!  Next we see Dawn - clearly doped out of her mind - naked and being fondled by Ryan.  But, wait, is she enjoying it?  Suddenly she seems to remember that her pussy miiiight end up biting off his dick  - but he calms her claiming to be her conquering hero - so, onward they plunge.

Cut to coroner's office - "The penile stump" - hahahah.  Here, we get to see a sample of a tooth from Dawn's down under... being described as a mix between a shark's and a lamprey's but mysteriously the tests show it is human!  That thing is impressive in size.

Back to Dawn - oh ok, they're having sex - like full on sex.  At first I thought it wasn't going so well, I thought he was screaming, but those were actually his joy noises.  Poor kid, squeaks when he cums! Dawn seems to be enjoying herself as well... could it be that Ryan is her hero?

Pop quiz- what do you NOT want a girl to say after you've just had sex?

"I can't believe you're still alive!" 

As the doctor prepares for surgery, refusing to tell how he ended up with 4 chopped off fingers... Dawn admires her naked body in the mirror - freshly changed from Innocent Do-gooder Virgin girl, to Sex Queen with a secret weapon.  You can clearly see a change has taken place for Dawn, the way she looks back at herself, there's a type of power in her eyes now it seems.  Where once stood a scared girl, is now a woman.

And one that apparently totally loves sex now!  Cuz' it is game on again - look at these happy kids go!  But wait, the moment gets totally ruined when he picks up the phone in the middle of it all, and admits that he made a bet he'd get to fuck her.  And then Dawn gets pissed... and when Dawn gets pissed.. so do her teeth.

Let the screaming and shocked look commence as another penis bites the dust...

Dawn's transformation from scared to empowered is solidified as she nonchalantly gets off of him and leaves, remarking "Some hero." on her way out.  Oh Ryan.. you should have listened to her, and not been a piece of shit asshole.

Dawn goes to the hospital, to go see mom - and the nurses are acting all weird... we find out that her mom has died.  (Again, no actual explanation for anything.)

Meanwhile, her step dad is trying to kick Brad out of the house (which by the way, he reacts very maturely, like the douche he is - by freakin' jumping on the damn bed! ...Really!?) Father fights Son - what kind of kid releases an attack dog on his own father?  Seriously - he deserved an ass beating a loooong time ago!  Brad finally admits - he hates his dad because he made Dawn his sister - and he loves her.  (Again with the super gross!  Talked about a seriously fucked up family.)

Insert another cut-shot to surgery room, Ryan on the table with a nice towel draped over his severed dick.  I literally laughed out loud when the doctor commented "It hardly seems worth it."

Dawn, with her Pussy-Power gets all dolled up in white and ready to grab a bite... of dear, sweet Brad.  Picture Brad confused as she takes his joint from him... and hits it.
As she sits beside him, he flinches at her touch and looks down, avoiding eye contact with her.  She asks if he's afraid and climbs on top of him. And scared Brad disappears as he reacts by throwing her over and trying to go at her his way.  She stops him - seductivly lifts her dress - he is clearly worried but then begins admiring her body.  And then... Brad is doing the deed with his step-sister and talking about he new it would end up like this since they were little.  *Gags*  And poor Mother (the dog) is watching the entire thing...

Suddenly, Dawn pulls him in - things get very tense - and we hear the tell-tale crunch.

Dear Brad, finally getting what you deserve.

Oh but - Mother gets out... and instead of doing as Brad commands... is that a treat on the floor?!

And I laughed so hard I cried when Brad tries to calmly ask his dog to "Drop it" and the dog responds by eating it!  And then spitting out the tip! Fucking fantastic!!!

And in her white dress, sweet Dawn hitch-hikes away...

Oh but it is not over quite yet.  Of course - there has to be a totally creepy old guy to be the one to pick her up.  And lock her in the car, not speaking but clearly implying... with his dirty old creepy tongue, what he wants from Dawn.  Uh, the look on her face is one pretty much all women have made - that is the 'you've got to be fucking kidding me' look.

 But then - she grins...

And for s&g's I found some other related pictures...

Movie Review: Vile



Movie title = Movie description

This is going to be short and sweet.  I don't want to waste much time with this particular "film".

Here's the basic storyline: People are kidnapped and locked up, a medical device that collects chemicals produced when the body is in extreme pain is attached to their brains.  They now have 22 hours to torture each other, fill the viles, and be released. 

Fantastic concept!!! 

...Absolutly horrid execution.  I've seen better acting at a middle school play.

Granted, the actual torture scenes were pretty wicked, they do make you cringe.  The things these people do to each other are truely vile (hot iron on a stomach, sticking arms in boiling water, rippings fingernails out - damnit how I hate that more than anything else *shivers*).  However the absolute stupidity behind them just makes it unnecessarily rediculous.

IF you decide to watch this - you might as well keep it on mute, put some weird music on, and fastforward to the nasty parts.

Movie Review: Midnight Meat Train

Who can say no to a Clive Barker film?

And that’s how I ended up watching Midnight Meat Train.  With a cast including Leslie Bibb, Bradley Cooper, and the always odd Vinnie Jones I expected this to be a bloody good movie.  The previews had me ready.  Bradley Cooper plays a photographer who is trying to capture the reality of the heart of New York City.  He is pushed to make his photographs even more “real”, which leads him witnessing a murder on a subway.  But why stop when it’s only starting to get dangerous?  Lets stalk the killer, keep taking pictures, and see what happens next…

“I’ve got a train to catch.”

So right away we have a bloody opening scene.  Random guy on subway ends up slipping on the floor to which he discovers is drenched in blood.  He looks around and we pan away to walls splashed in blood in his train, and the next train, which is then followed by the sound of meat getting hacked up.  Already I’m excited. 

Time to meet the characters. 

Leon is our man, an edgy photographer who wants to make it in the art world but seems to be stuck.  Luckily his girlfriend Maya teams up with his friend Jarvis and get him a connection with Susan Hoff (played by Brooke Shields) who tells him that if he’s not succeeding in his goal.  Basically he’s there at the right place but wrong time.  This pushes dear Leon to follow a group of thugs into the subway, take pictures of them starting to assault a girl but end up stopping them, pointing out to the lead thug that they’re on not only his camera, but the surveillance camera in the station.  Random girl lives to see another – oh wait nevermind.  She gets on the train, he takes one last picture, her head gets smashed by a meat cleaver wielding maniac.  

I would like to say I always love odd music playing during a murder scene and the music the girl puts on her headphones right before she gets owned was great!

Blah blah blah, Leon shows the picture of the thugs with the girl to Susan, she loves it and tells him to if he gets two more as “strong” as those she’ll put him in her gallery show.  But wait, she’s a really a model who has gone missing?  Leon does the right thing and takes the pictures to the cops.  But there’s something odd about this particular cop, she doesn’t buy his story.  Thinks he’s just another tabloid photographer and sends him on his way.  

 

Cut back to the subway…

Girl and two guys talking, girl sees killer coming tries to warn guys but they don’t listen, results in wicked awesome death scene!  Goodbye Randall.  A cleaver to the back of the head will apparently blow your eyeball violently out of your face. 

Its here that we finally get to see the face of our killer.  Silent and creepy, he still doesn’t have a name.

 Another great death scene when he kills the drags the remaining girl (after she slips on Randall’s eyeball) through the train and we get to see it all happen from her point of view.   She’s double bitch-slapped with the cleaver resulting in her head rolling away end us getting to see her decapitated body spurting blood from the neck.  Then we pan out from her eye and see her head.  Fabulous!

Meanwhile Leon sees our killer leaving the subway, starts taking pictures and following him.  We learn our killer… is also a butcher. 

Subway again… interesting fight scene where we see our killer start coughing and struggling as he gets into a fight with a guy he’s trying to kill.  Suddenly a train employee comes in, and shoots the guy through the back of the head and out his eye (I’m sensing an eye theme here…) and says he’s disappointed.  We learn our killers name is… Mahogany.  (Wow… sounds, um… terrifying?)

Cut to an odd sex scene between Leon and Maya in the closed diner she works at when he pre-proposes to her.  Not sure the point of this except to add another random sexy-like scene so the killings seem more dramatic? 

Back to Mahogany. And he’s cutting these nasty growth things off of his chest, putting them in a jar, and putting the jar behind the mirror with alllll the others. Ew?  Now I’m slightly confused.

Leon continues to follow Mahogany and taking his picture, which leads to him getting chased out through a maze of hanging animal carcasses in the meat factory and our favorite tofu eating photographer winds of grabbing pieces of steak off his friend’s place and licking the juices off of his fingers.  I’m sensing something bad, and now I’m even more confused.

Maya realized Leon seems to be snapping in his obsession with Mahogany and he proves her totally correct when we get to watch a creepy odd scene of Maya stripping as Leon sobs and has flashbacks while he attempts to photograph her.  And then… the stalker becomes the stalked.  But what does he do when he sees our killer in the mirror?  Step riiiiight in to the trap and still follow him! 

Now we get our lovely ripping off of the fingernails scene that seems to be a requirement for odd scary movies, and that makes me squirm and look away.  Its true… I can watch someone get sliced up, eaten, torn apart.. but show me a fingernail snapping off and I gag.

Back to our boys…

Mahogany sees Leon taking pictures of him butchering up the bodies on the train, smiles at him and its GAME ON!  But poor Leon, ends up hanging upside down himself (still alive) and then gets his chest carved up with the claws of… something.  He comes home, Maya is freaked but she decides on her own to see whats going on, which leads to Jarvis being taken and eventually she gets onto the train.  Meanwhile Leon gets all suited up in chainmail and knives and hops onto the train to save Maya’s life.  After a long fight with Mahogany in trying to save Maya, he throws Mahogany out of the train!  And just when you think its safe… here comes another train employee.

“Please.  Step away from the meat.”

Enter: creatures!  So this is what carved up Leon’s chest with the weird symbol

Notice I said that Mahogany got thrown off the train, but I never said he died.  That’s because… he’s still alive!  He comes back for another fight with Leon in the bone-yard and we learn Mahogany has the same mark on his chest. Uho. Leon stabs a sharp bone through Mahogany’s neck, we get to see him struggle to speak for a minute until he finally gets out the word “Welcome” and then Leon jumps down slamming a knife through the back of his neck and out of his mouth.

I think its pretty safe to say he’s actually dead now.

But its not over,  a train employee comes over, explains that they must serve these creatures to maintain the balance and separation, its been going on for centuries yadda yadda.  He then proceeds to rip out Leon’s tongue and eat it he walks away and over to the giant pile of bodies with Maya on top.  Leon watches screaming minus a tongue – as he stabs Maya, cuts her open and yanks out her still beating heart.

But…………..  its still not over. 

We see the ring… on someone’s hand as he’s putting on a suit and going out.  Wait, he’s getting on a subway train.  He’s carrying that same leather bag.  Could it possibly be…?

I’m not telling.

Overall Ratings:

Blood use was awesome.  Creepy killer guy, check.  Not too many good quotes.   Odd creature twist.