MY Rules

Rules and Things I Have Learned from Watching “Horror” Movies

(Please note – I use the term the “Big Nasty” for anything considered the antagonist.)

1.       If a hot girl is wearing a white shirt, she is going to get wet.

a.       The shirt will also probably get torn.

2.       If it “can’t possibly be true” – it is. 

a.       Consider all possibilities – aliens, creature, legends, myths and fairy-tales always have the chance of being real (and more violent than Disney can possibly conceive).

3.       If the lead character is a female she will most likely either be a victim or a heroine.

a.       If she’s the victim, her chances of getting raped increase

4.       If the lead female does get raped, there are two outcomes – Death or Revenge.

5.       Don’t bathe alone.

a.       Even better, don’t do anything alone if you can help it.

6.       If you think it can’t get worse, it probably will.

7.       Don’t open the door. Regardless of if you hear something or not, just don’t open it.

8.       If you think it’s finally over, it’s not.

9.       You will run out of ammo. 

10.   Always keep weapons available.

a.       Consider any object a possible weapon.

11.   If there are children they will probably either be victims or the Big Nasty.

a.       If they’re the Big Nasty they’re either possessed, mutants, or just fucking evil.

12.   If you lose a body part, replace it with a weapon.  Your chances of survival will increase, as will your “badass-ness”.

13.   If it seems too easy or too obvious, it’s probably a trap.

14.   Don’t go towards strange lights or listen to strange sounds.

15.   If you think you’re finally safe, you aren’t.

16.   If someone is running through the woods, they will trip and fall. 

a.       Chances increase if female, and increase more if blond and/or in limited clothing.

17.   If there is a car, it will die or run out of gas, so don’t depend on it.

a.       Exception – if the car is the Big Nasty, then it will never die.

18.   If the power suddenly goes out, don’t go into the basement or attic to investigate.  

a.       Actually, just don’t go investigate. Anything. Ever.

19.   Don’t make fun of the dead or mess with any of their shit… this includes doing any activities (especially building) over burial sites!

20.   Don’t fuck with the natives/locals.

21.   Don’t get involved in genetic/psychological/social or any other experiment.

22.   Do NOT get involved in ANYTHING run by or for the government.

23.   If an animal reacts strangely towards someone, stay away from them. Trust animal instincts.

24.   Don’t go to middle-of-nowhere locations (hotels, camping, houses, caves etc).

a.        If you have to go – don’t go alone, have plenty of weapons, supplies, and always tell as many people as possible where you are going.

25.   Stay on the main road.  Fuck shortcuts and don’t go out of your way to go sightseeing to unusual things or places.

26.   If someone warns you to NOT do something… for the love of cheese DON’T DO IT!

27.   Skinny-dipping never ends well.

28.   If you don’t know what it is, DON’T TOUCH IT!  This goes double for anything with mysterious symbols or writing on it.

29.   Don’t break any mirrors – the exception being if this is how to defeat the Big Nasty.

30.   Bullies will eventually get what is coming to them – so don’t be one; and stay on the good side of those that do get bullied.

31.   Always carry a lighter. (NOT matches!!!)

32.   Always carry a knife.

33.   Don’t invite anyone you don’t know inside.

a.       If someone you do know seems to have a problem entering without an invitation, don’t invite them!  (It is now in fact, probably in your best interest to kill them before they try to kill you.)

34.   Don’t pick up hitch-hikers.

a.        Don’t hit them either, they’ll come back to get you.

35.   The Big Nasty ALWAYS LIES.

a.       Unless they are describing how they want to torture/rape/murder you.

36.   If someone tells you to run – don’t ask why, just start running.

37.   If you see everyone else running away, or all the animals start leaving, it’s probably a good idea to follow the crowd. 

38.   Cell phone reception sucks, as soon as you need it you won’t get service.  (Not that it hurts to have one…)

39.   Sometimes it might just be better to kill yourself than end up at the mercy of the Big Nasty. 

a.       This is triple-true if it’s an Asian film.

40.   If you “sin” – you will get punished and/or die for it (meaning sex, drinking, drugs, stealing, etc.)

41.   If you are fighting with something religious – you better have real faith, it will be tested.

42.   Cutting off the Big Nasty’s head is usually a sure-fire way to make sure it’s really dead.  

a.       However, do NOT do this if the Big Nasty happens to be a hydra – this will only make it worse. 

b.      Also, don’t always count on it if the Big Nasty is a genetic experiment, or any part of it is electronic.

43.   Always pay attention to intuition/your gut.  Logic isn’t always in play… (Still use common sense!)

44.   The local drunk/crazy old person/weird scientist usually has good advice, heed any of their warnings.

45.   Don’t play around with magic if you don’t know what you’re doing.  (This includes “just-playing” with Ouija boards, tarot, voodoo dolls, or pretty much anything Occult-related.)

a.       Never piss off someone who does any of these things.

46.   The killer will always show up right behind you, or if you’re running – they will show up in front of you after you’ve fallen.

47.   Don’t plead for help or try to bargain with the Big Nasty – you’re going to die either way, you just look like a pussy if you beg.

48.   Abandoned places should stay that way.

49.   Have the police, a priest, someone who knows how to fight/shoot, and someone with “mystical” knowledge in your list of friends.

50.   If objects start doing things they aren’t supposed to – leave immediately.

51.   If something falls from space – get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.

52.   If something takes batteries, it is going to die, especially if it’s your light-source.

53.   Just because you can’t see the Big Nasty, doesn’t mean it can’t see you.  In fact, it’s probably watching you very closely.

54.   If you have the opportunity to kill the Big Nasty – do NOT hesitate, fucking kill it! 

55.   Aim to kill, not to injure.  If you injure the Big Nasty you just make it worse. 

56.   Destroy the ENTIRE body of the Big Nasty (fire is usually the preferred method).  Don’t take any chances of allowing it to return.

57.   Death count increases with each sequel.

58.   NEVER let your guard down.

59.   Shut up.  Screaming will give away your position and attract the Big Nasty.

60.   Don’t always count law enforcement to be helpful; also don’t always assume they’re “good”.

61.   If someone tells you they saw or heard something, believe them, especially if it’s a child.

62.   Sleep in shifts, if alone… don’t sleep.

63.   It’s always a possibility that you are the killer.

64.   It’s always a possibility you’ve been dead this whole time.

65.   Be very, very, VERY careful how you phrase your wishes, or even better – just don’t make a wish out-loud at all.

66.   Stay in the light, sunlight is preferred.

67.   Religious people can either be very helpful – or totally off their rocker.  If anything they say or show you seem even the slightest bit “zealot-ish”, get the fuck away as fast as possible (and do NOT make fun of them/their beliefs!)

68.   Curiosity will get you killed.  Sometimes ignorance is not only bliss; it’s a longer life-span.

69.   If someone puts something to your face to breathe into, don’t breathe.  Just pretend to pass out and continue to listen for clues.

70.   You won’t be able to find the right key right away, and you’re going to drop them. 

a.       If this happens – just run, don’t reach to find them.

71.   Don’t ask “is someone there” or “who is it”, yes there is someone there and it’s the Big Nasty.

72.   Someone will always ask “Why are you doing this” and/or “what do you want from me”, this doesn’t help the situation at all and usually results in the Big Nasty laughing at them.

73.   Someone motivated by revenge will usually end up dead.

a.       Exception - a female taking revenge on her rapists and/or would-be murderers – in that case she’s usually a bad-ass and completely justified.

74.   Hotness has a direct correlation to survival – ugly or super-hot people usually die first.

a.       This goes for sluttiness as well.

75.   Minorities’ chances of survival are always lower,

a.       Unless the main character is a minority – than this may be to their advantage.

76.   If traveling in another country – know the language or be with someone who does.

77.   Don’t trust anyone.  Ever.  

78.   Don’t drink or eat anything someone gives you, you will most likely end up drugged and/or dead.

79.   If the hot girl/guy suddenly takes an interest in the average character – they have an ulterior motive and are probably evil and/or possessed.

80.   An animal will either be helpful or try to kill you.

a.        The bigger the animal, the higher the chances of it trying to kill you are.

81.   Don’t look into the Big Nasty’s eyes.

82.   If someone has a video camera, it will eventually document their death from a sideways angle.

83.   Don’t run up stairs.

84.   Don’t run down stairs.

a.       Actually, avoid stairs all together if you can.

85.   If a two people fall in love during a movie – either one will die which will lead to a revenge plot and/or sequel, or they will both live. 

a.       Exception – any movie that has a Romeo & Juliet theme means they will both die.

86.   If we see a girl’s boobs, she’s going to die.  

a.       Bigger/faker boobs exponentially increase chances of death happening sooner.

87.   Don’t go into a dark room.

88.   Never rely on rescue – they’re either killed upon arrival, useless, or working with the Big Nasty.

89.   Don’t get bit, scratched, kissed, or otherwise touched… by the Big Nasty.

90.   When in doubt, silver bullets. 

91.   Virginity = Life.

92.   Don’t poke it.  Whatever it is, it is always safer to just leave it the fuck alone.

93.   The police probably won’t believe you. 

a.       Still, it doesn’t hurt to tell them; sometimes it can be safer inside a guarded cell.

94.   It wouldn’t hurt to always have a stake handy.

a.       Holy water can also be useful.

95.   Look UP.

96.   Do NOT read shit out-loud, you never know if it will invoke the wrath of the Big Nasty.

97.   Toys and dolls are not fucking cute, they can be fucking dangerous.  If they weren't where you left them, or start talking on their own, or just seem creepy AT ALL - DESTROY IT!

98.   NEVER go check to see if the Big Nasty is really dead.  Either make sure it’s dead the first time, or assume it’s still alive.

99.   Always assume that the Big Nasty can eventually come back (no matter how demolished you think it is).

100.   PAY ATTENTION!!!