Movie Review: Vile



Movie title = Movie description

This is going to be short and sweet.  I don't want to waste much time with this particular "film".

Here's the basic storyline: People are kidnapped and locked up, a medical device that collects chemicals produced when the body is in extreme pain is attached to their brains.  They now have 22 hours to torture each other, fill the viles, and be released. 

Fantastic concept!!! 

...Absolutly horrid execution.  I've seen better acting at a middle school play.

Granted, the actual torture scenes were pretty wicked, they do make you cringe.  The things these people do to each other are truely vile (hot iron on a stomach, sticking arms in boiling water, rippings fingernails out - damnit how I hate that more than anything else *shivers*).  However the absolute stupidity behind them just makes it unnecessarily rediculous.

IF you decide to watch this - you might as well keep it on mute, put some weird music on, and fastforward to the nasty parts.

MY Rules

Rules and Things I Have Learned from Watching “Horror” Movies

(Please note – I use the term the “Big Nasty” for anything considered the antagonist.)

1.       If a hot girl is wearing a white shirt, she is going to get wet.

a.       The shirt will also probably get torn.

2.       If it “can’t possibly be true” – it is. 

a.       Consider all possibilities – aliens, creature, legends, myths and fairy-tales always have the chance of being real (and more violent than Disney can possibly conceive).

3.       If the lead character is a female she will most likely either be a victim or a heroine.

a.       If she’s the victim, her chances of getting raped increase

4.       If the lead female does get raped, there are two outcomes – Death or Revenge.

5.       Don’t bathe alone.

a.       Even better, don’t do anything alone if you can help it.

6.       If you think it can’t get worse, it probably will.

7.       Don’t open the door. Regardless of if you hear something or not, just don’t open it.

8.       If you think it’s finally over, it’s not.

9.       You will run out of ammo. 

10.   Always keep weapons available.

a.       Consider any object a possible weapon.

11.   If there are children they will probably either be victims or the Big Nasty.

a.       If they’re the Big Nasty they’re either possessed, mutants, or just fucking evil.

12.   If you lose a body part, replace it with a weapon.  Your chances of survival will increase, as will your “badass-ness”.

13.   If it seems too easy or too obvious, it’s probably a trap.

14.   Don’t go towards strange lights or listen to strange sounds.

15.   If you think you’re finally safe, you aren’t.

16.   If someone is running through the woods, they will trip and fall. 

a.       Chances increase if female, and increase more if blond and/or in limited clothing.

17.   If there is a car, it will die or run out of gas, so don’t depend on it.

a.       Exception – if the car is the Big Nasty, then it will never die.

18.   If the power suddenly goes out, don’t go into the basement or attic to investigate.  

a.       Actually, just don’t go investigate. Anything. Ever.

19.   Don’t make fun of the dead or mess with any of their shit… this includes doing any activities (especially building) over burial sites!

20.   Don’t fuck with the natives/locals.

21.   Don’t get involved in genetic/psychological/social or any other experiment.

22.   Do NOT get involved in ANYTHING run by or for the government.

23.   If an animal reacts strangely towards someone, stay away from them. Trust animal instincts.

24.   Don’t go to middle-of-nowhere locations (hotels, camping, houses, caves etc).

a.        If you have to go – don’t go alone, have plenty of weapons, supplies, and always tell as many people as possible where you are going.

25.   Stay on the main road.  Fuck shortcuts and don’t go out of your way to go sightseeing to unusual things or places.

26.   If someone warns you to NOT do something… for the love of cheese DON’T DO IT!

27.   Skinny-dipping never ends well.

28.   If you don’t know what it is, DON’T TOUCH IT!  This goes double for anything with mysterious symbols or writing on it.

29.   Don’t break any mirrors – the exception being if this is how to defeat the Big Nasty.

30.   Bullies will eventually get what is coming to them – so don’t be one; and stay on the good side of those that do get bullied.

31.   Always carry a lighter. (NOT matches!!!)

32.   Always carry a knife.

33.   Don’t invite anyone you don’t know inside.

a.       If someone you do know seems to have a problem entering without an invitation, don’t invite them!  (It is now in fact, probably in your best interest to kill them before they try to kill you.)

34.   Don’t pick up hitch-hikers.

a.        Don’t hit them either, they’ll come back to get you.

35.   The Big Nasty ALWAYS LIES.

a.       Unless they are describing how they want to torture/rape/murder you.

36.   If someone tells you to run – don’t ask why, just start running.

37.   If you see everyone else running away, or all the animals start leaving, it’s probably a good idea to follow the crowd. 

38.   Cell phone reception sucks, as soon as you need it you won’t get service.  (Not that it hurts to have one…)

39.   Sometimes it might just be better to kill yourself than end up at the mercy of the Big Nasty. 

a.       This is triple-true if it’s an Asian film.

40.   If you “sin” – you will get punished and/or die for it (meaning sex, drinking, drugs, stealing, etc.)

41.   If you are fighting with something religious – you better have real faith, it will be tested.

42.   Cutting off the Big Nasty’s head is usually a sure-fire way to make sure it’s really dead.  

a.       However, do NOT do this if the Big Nasty happens to be a hydra – this will only make it worse. 

b.      Also, don’t always count on it if the Big Nasty is a genetic experiment, or any part of it is electronic.

43.   Always pay attention to intuition/your gut.  Logic isn’t always in play… (Still use common sense!)

44.   The local drunk/crazy old person/weird scientist usually has good advice, heed any of their warnings.

45.   Don’t play around with magic if you don’t know what you’re doing.  (This includes “just-playing” with Ouija boards, tarot, voodoo dolls, or pretty much anything Occult-related.)

a.       Never piss off someone who does any of these things.

46.   The killer will always show up right behind you, or if you’re running – they will show up in front of you after you’ve fallen.

47.   Don’t plead for help or try to bargain with the Big Nasty – you’re going to die either way, you just look like a pussy if you beg.

48.   Abandoned places should stay that way.

49.   Have the police, a priest, someone who knows how to fight/shoot, and someone with “mystical” knowledge in your list of friends.

50.   If objects start doing things they aren’t supposed to – leave immediately.

51.   If something falls from space – get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.

52.   If something takes batteries, it is going to die, especially if it’s your light-source.

53.   Just because you can’t see the Big Nasty, doesn’t mean it can’t see you.  In fact, it’s probably watching you very closely.

54.   If you have the opportunity to kill the Big Nasty – do NOT hesitate, fucking kill it! 

55.   Aim to kill, not to injure.  If you injure the Big Nasty you just make it worse. 

56.   Destroy the ENTIRE body of the Big Nasty (fire is usually the preferred method).  Don’t take any chances of allowing it to return.

57.   Death count increases with each sequel.

58.   NEVER let your guard down.

59.   Shut up.  Screaming will give away your position and attract the Big Nasty.

60.   Don’t always count law enforcement to be helpful; also don’t always assume they’re “good”.

61.   If someone tells you they saw or heard something, believe them, especially if it’s a child.

62.   Sleep in shifts, if alone… don’t sleep.

63.   It’s always a possibility that you are the killer.

64.   It’s always a possibility you’ve been dead this whole time.

65.   Be very, very, VERY careful how you phrase your wishes, or even better – just don’t make a wish out-loud at all.

66.   Stay in the light, sunlight is preferred.

67.   Religious people can either be very helpful – or totally off their rocker.  If anything they say or show you seem even the slightest bit “zealot-ish”, get the fuck away as fast as possible (and do NOT make fun of them/their beliefs!)

68.   Curiosity will get you killed.  Sometimes ignorance is not only bliss; it’s a longer life-span.

69.   If someone puts something to your face to breathe into, don’t breathe.  Just pretend to pass out and continue to listen for clues.

70.   You won’t be able to find the right key right away, and you’re going to drop them. 

a.       If this happens – just run, don’t reach to find them.

71.   Don’t ask “is someone there” or “who is it”, yes there is someone there and it’s the Big Nasty.

72.   Someone will always ask “Why are you doing this” and/or “what do you want from me”, this doesn’t help the situation at all and usually results in the Big Nasty laughing at them.

73.   Someone motivated by revenge will usually end up dead.

a.       Exception - a female taking revenge on her rapists and/or would-be murderers – in that case she’s usually a bad-ass and completely justified.

74.   Hotness has a direct correlation to survival – ugly or super-hot people usually die first.

a.       This goes for sluttiness as well.

75.   Minorities’ chances of survival are always lower,

a.       Unless the main character is a minority – than this may be to their advantage.

76.   If traveling in another country – know the language or be with someone who does.

77.   Don’t trust anyone.  Ever.  

78.   Don’t drink or eat anything someone gives you, you will most likely end up drugged and/or dead.

79.   If the hot girl/guy suddenly takes an interest in the average character – they have an ulterior motive and are probably evil and/or possessed.

80.   An animal will either be helpful or try to kill you.

a.        The bigger the animal, the higher the chances of it trying to kill you are.

81.   Don’t look into the Big Nasty’s eyes.

82.   If someone has a video camera, it will eventually document their death from a sideways angle.

83.   Don’t run up stairs.

84.   Don’t run down stairs.

a.       Actually, avoid stairs all together if you can.

85.   If a two people fall in love during a movie – either one will die which will lead to a revenge plot and/or sequel, or they will both live. 

a.       Exception – any movie that has a Romeo & Juliet theme means they will both die.

86.   If we see a girl’s boobs, she’s going to die.  

a.       Bigger/faker boobs exponentially increase chances of death happening sooner.

87.   Don’t go into a dark room.

88.   Never rely on rescue – they’re either killed upon arrival, useless, or working with the Big Nasty.

89.   Don’t get bit, scratched, kissed, or otherwise touched… by the Big Nasty.

90.   When in doubt, silver bullets. 

91.   Virginity = Life.

92.   Don’t poke it.  Whatever it is, it is always safer to just leave it the fuck alone.

93.   The police probably won’t believe you. 

a.       Still, it doesn’t hurt to tell them; sometimes it can be safer inside a guarded cell.

94.   It wouldn’t hurt to always have a stake handy.

a.       Holy water can also be useful.

95.   Look UP.

96.   Do NOT read shit out-loud, you never know if it will invoke the wrath of the Big Nasty.

97.   Toys and dolls are not fucking cute, they can be fucking dangerous.  If they weren't where you left them, or start talking on their own, or just seem creepy AT ALL - DESTROY IT!

98.   NEVER go check to see if the Big Nasty is really dead.  Either make sure it’s dead the first time, or assume it’s still alive.

99.   Always assume that the Big Nasty can eventually come back (no matter how demolished you think it is).

100.   PAY ATTENTION!!!

Quote: Psycho

Movie Review: INSIDIOUS

Should have been called… InSILLYious.    

Unfortunately I actually PAID MONEY to go see this movie in the theatre.  Thankfully I had a group of high school kids in the row behind me which kept the laughter flowing through-out this excuse for a possession movie.  Being from the same jokers who were behind the wastes of film known as Paranormal Activity I should have known this was going to be nothing more than quiet boring scenes followed by creepy-music make you jump scenes.  But honestly… was I supposed to be afraid of a guy with a red-painted face sticking his forked tongue out at me?  Boo, look at my tongue!  Ahhh-no.  I laughed through most of the movie.

The action starts out pretty quickly.  We have ourselves a nice little family.  Mom, Dad, two boys about the same age (my guess would be around 8ish maybe?) and throw in a baby for some annoying screaming and crying.  As the previews show, one little boy is about to get his world all fucked up.  He falls down in the attack, sees… something, and the next morning BAM it’s coma-time!  Well, according to the doctor’s its not really a coma since there’s no brain damage.  Apparently this kid’s just really really fucking tired and won’t wake up.

Then crazy shit starts to happen.  With Dad at work all the time (and lying that he has papers to grade and staying out until midnight) Mom and baby are the ones getting tormented.  Hearing angry voices over the baby-monitor and seeing creepy ghostly boys and girls running through her house Mom finally breaks down and tells Dad its time to move, the house is haunted.  (This was their new house and how they afford to move again so soon on only a teacher’s salary, seeing that mom is home taking care of the kids and working on her music is probably the biggest mystery of this movie.)  So now we’re in a new house and everything is peachy right?  Wrong.

It only gets worse.  More noises, creepy ghost looking people, and even more screaming baby.  Finally mother-in-law steps in and brings in a… medium?  Apparently mother-in-law had a dream where she saw this evil thing in the corner of their kid’s room and when she asked what it wanted, it oh-so-creepily pointed to the boy.  Time for the medium to step in.  She informs the family that, 

“It’s not the house that’s haunted.  It’s your son.”    

Oh and did I mention she uses a gasmask?  That’s right; our medium uses a freaking gas mask to commune with the spirits.  Tweedle Dumb has one of the ends hooked up to headphones so he can hear what she’s saying and write it all down. After the making contact with the boy and a few pages of scribbled “Help me” its game on!

 She now has the explanation for their son’s not-really-a-coma coma.  He’s a “traveler”, in other words he can astral project, a talent he inherited from good ‘ol Dad.  (Apparently Dad was haunted by a not-so-sweet old lady when he was kid and she has the pictures to prove it.)  But the boy has gone too far, for too long and has gotten lost in what she calls “The Further” *bum bum bummmmm*.  Since his spirit is wandering, all those other meanie spirits who are wandering have started fighting over his body.  And the one winning is uber-mean.  So mean that he’s all black with hooves, a red face, a forked tongue and pointy tail.  Seriously are you trying to tell me THE devil is trying to inhabit the body of this little boy?  *facepalm*

Thank goodness for the medium’s two cohorts, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dipshit.  At least they provided some comic relief with their constant competition for who can be top nerd.  

Now its up to Dad to save his son’s soul.  He has to astral project into “The Further” and find his son’s spirit, and then bring them both back to their respective bodies.  Away we go!   After revisiting his old haunt “creepy old lady” and finding his son, they start to make their way back.  But oh no, everyone else in the real world starts getting attacked by the evil spirits who apparently now are close enough to have physical bodies and start filling the house chasing after them all.  Dad tells his son to go on ahead while he deals with creepy old lady in the mirror.  The little boy tries to frantically find his way back to his body while fighting off the devil creature.

Suddenly Dad wakes up, the boy wakes up, and all the attacking spirits disappear.  Hoorah!  But alas, something is amis.

Right away I assume that the devil-thing was what really got into the body of the boy.  But the medium knows better.  She snaps a picture of the Dad and sees its really… creepy old lady in Dad's body!  Dad/creepy old lady strangle her to death and just as Mom sees the camera and dead medium, Dad comes up behind her and … the movie ends.

So…. The little boy was fine.  He got paid to play a sleeping kid in a bed the whole time.  Oh wait, he had once scene where he got up and with one hand threw everyone across the room.  My bad.  Honestly I was hoping that there would be some decent effects or at least a cool death scene… but noooo.  All I had was jumpy teenagers in the row behind me, a guy with a painted face sticking his tongue out, and a gas-mask toting spirit medium.

Movie Review: The Last Exorcism

One word. LAME.

Mr. Louisiana preacher man Cotton is a fake, so followed by a camera crew to prove exorcisms are bullshit, he goes to do one last fake exorcism.  Equipped with speakers for strange noises, fishing line to make shit move, and a “smoking” cross, the games begin.  But instead he finds a tormented girl, a creepy brother, and a desperate father.  So maybe this time is different, maybe she really is possessed?  After she smashes the barn cat to death with the camera, slashes her brother’s face open, and ends up in some kind of strange trance in the preacher’s hotel room, they decide this girl is just too crazy and needs real medical help.  But her Dad takes her home from the hospital and refuses any treatment.

But then we find out she’s pregnant.  And since Dad pulled her out of school, bible study, and anything remotely social, our friendly fake-preacher and camera crew think Dad is the one not right.  So when they confront Dad, what’s his first reaction?  His darling daughter has been raped by the demons, so another exorcism is in order or he’ll show his own daughter what it feels like to have a hole punched through her by a shotgun.  In an attempt to save the girl, who is now acting certifiably insane and in the cliche white nightgown splattered with blood, our fake-exorcist takes the shenanigans into the barn. 

Impressive back bending and a few broken fingers later and she finally breaks down crying that she's not so innocent .  She admits that she had sex with a boy from town, so what’s growing inside her is not some demon-spawn.  Unfortunately dad disagrees.  Desperate to help this girl, whatever her real problem is, we bring in preacher #2.  Some more praying and it seems things are on their way to better.  Cotton and crew take off.

But wait, they find the boy she claimed knocked her up and hold the phone, he’s gay.  Ok something just doesn’t make sense.  Mr. Fake can’t leave shit alone so he drags his crew back to the house.  They find nothing but blood drawings of satanic symbols all over the walls and rush around the woods trying to find someone.  And find someone they do.  A chanting group of crazies led by preacher #2 (who apparently is evil) and dad blindfolded and tied to a post.  Where is our dear girl?  On a table screaming in agony by a giant fire as she gives birth to… a demon spawn? (She never even looked pregnant how is she already giving birth!?)  Some little red blob pops out of her and preacher #2 throws it into the fire.  Seems a bit backwards, why go to all the trouble to get a girl preggers then throw your precious demon baby into the fire?  Oh… because now it’s a giant fireball demon… thing.  Cotton suddenly has his faith back, and armed with his fake smoking cross walks into the clearing to save the girl and kill the demon.  

Meanwhile the camera crew (which is only the camera guy and sound woman) get all chopped up in the woods and tada, the movie is over.

As I stated previously, this movie is LAME.  Unless you’re looking for something to fall asleep to, don’t even bother wasting your time.

As a side note….  It makes me sad that we once had such a great movie dealing with this subject (I speak of the original Exorcist of course) and since then things have only gone downhill.  But I will not give up my quest to find the next decent possession movie.  I have a feeling though, I’ll be watching a lot of horrible ones in the meantime. *sigh*

RIP barn cat

Movie Review: Midnight Meat Train

Who can say no to a Clive Barker film?

And that’s how I ended up watching Midnight Meat Train.  With a cast including Leslie Bibb, Bradley Cooper, and the always odd Vinnie Jones I expected this to be a bloody good movie.  The previews had me ready.  Bradley Cooper plays a photographer who is trying to capture the reality of the heart of New York City.  He is pushed to make his photographs even more “real”, which leads him witnessing a murder on a subway.  But why stop when it’s only starting to get dangerous?  Lets stalk the killer, keep taking pictures, and see what happens next…

“I’ve got a train to catch.”

So right away we have a bloody opening scene.  Random guy on subway ends up slipping on the floor to which he discovers is drenched in blood.  He looks around and we pan away to walls splashed in blood in his train, and the next train, which is then followed by the sound of meat getting hacked up.  Already I’m excited. 

Time to meet the characters. 

Leon is our man, an edgy photographer who wants to make it in the art world but seems to be stuck.  Luckily his girlfriend Maya teams up with his friend Jarvis and get him a connection with Susan Hoff (played by Brooke Shields) who tells him that if he’s not succeeding in his goal.  Basically he’s there at the right place but wrong time.  This pushes dear Leon to follow a group of thugs into the subway, take pictures of them starting to assault a girl but end up stopping them, pointing out to the lead thug that they’re on not only his camera, but the surveillance camera in the station.  Random girl lives to see another – oh wait nevermind.  She gets on the train, he takes one last picture, her head gets smashed by a meat cleaver wielding maniac.  

I would like to say I always love odd music playing during a murder scene and the music the girl puts on her headphones right before she gets owned was great!

Blah blah blah, Leon shows the picture of the thugs with the girl to Susan, she loves it and tells him to if he gets two more as “strong” as those she’ll put him in her gallery show.  But wait, she’s a really a model who has gone missing?  Leon does the right thing and takes the pictures to the cops.  But there’s something odd about this particular cop, she doesn’t buy his story.  Thinks he’s just another tabloid photographer and sends him on his way.  

 

Cut back to the subway…

Girl and two guys talking, girl sees killer coming tries to warn guys but they don’t listen, results in wicked awesome death scene!  Goodbye Randall.  A cleaver to the back of the head will apparently blow your eyeball violently out of your face. 

Its here that we finally get to see the face of our killer.  Silent and creepy, he still doesn’t have a name.

 Another great death scene when he kills the drags the remaining girl (after she slips on Randall’s eyeball) through the train and we get to see it all happen from her point of view.   She’s double bitch-slapped with the cleaver resulting in her head rolling away end us getting to see her decapitated body spurting blood from the neck.  Then we pan out from her eye and see her head.  Fabulous!

Meanwhile Leon sees our killer leaving the subway, starts taking pictures and following him.  We learn our killer… is also a butcher. 

Subway again… interesting fight scene where we see our killer start coughing and struggling as he gets into a fight with a guy he’s trying to kill.  Suddenly a train employee comes in, and shoots the guy through the back of the head and out his eye (I’m sensing an eye theme here…) and says he’s disappointed.  We learn our killers name is… Mahogany.  (Wow… sounds, um… terrifying?)

Cut to an odd sex scene between Leon and Maya in the closed diner she works at when he pre-proposes to her.  Not sure the point of this except to add another random sexy-like scene so the killings seem more dramatic? 

Back to Mahogany. And he’s cutting these nasty growth things off of his chest, putting them in a jar, and putting the jar behind the mirror with alllll the others. Ew?  Now I’m slightly confused.

Leon continues to follow Mahogany and taking his picture, which leads to him getting chased out through a maze of hanging animal carcasses in the meat factory and our favorite tofu eating photographer winds of grabbing pieces of steak off his friend’s place and licking the juices off of his fingers.  I’m sensing something bad, and now I’m even more confused.

Maya realized Leon seems to be snapping in his obsession with Mahogany and he proves her totally correct when we get to watch a creepy odd scene of Maya stripping as Leon sobs and has flashbacks while he attempts to photograph her.  And then… the stalker becomes the stalked.  But what does he do when he sees our killer in the mirror?  Step riiiiight in to the trap and still follow him! 

Now we get our lovely ripping off of the fingernails scene that seems to be a requirement for odd scary movies, and that makes me squirm and look away.  Its true… I can watch someone get sliced up, eaten, torn apart.. but show me a fingernail snapping off and I gag.

Back to our boys…

Mahogany sees Leon taking pictures of him butchering up the bodies on the train, smiles at him and its GAME ON!  But poor Leon, ends up hanging upside down himself (still alive) and then gets his chest carved up with the claws of… something.  He comes home, Maya is freaked but she decides on her own to see whats going on, which leads to Jarvis being taken and eventually she gets onto the train.  Meanwhile Leon gets all suited up in chainmail and knives and hops onto the train to save Maya’s life.  After a long fight with Mahogany in trying to save Maya, he throws Mahogany out of the train!  And just when you think its safe… here comes another train employee.

“Please.  Step away from the meat.”

Enter: creatures!  So this is what carved up Leon’s chest with the weird symbol

Notice I said that Mahogany got thrown off the train, but I never said he died.  That’s because… he’s still alive!  He comes back for another fight with Leon in the bone-yard and we learn Mahogany has the same mark on his chest. Uho. Leon stabs a sharp bone through Mahogany’s neck, we get to see him struggle to speak for a minute until he finally gets out the word “Welcome” and then Leon jumps down slamming a knife through the back of his neck and out of his mouth.

I think its pretty safe to say he’s actually dead now.

But its not over,  a train employee comes over, explains that they must serve these creatures to maintain the balance and separation, its been going on for centuries yadda yadda.  He then proceeds to rip out Leon’s tongue and eat it he walks away and over to the giant pile of bodies with Maya on top.  Leon watches screaming minus a tongue – as he stabs Maya, cuts her open and yanks out her still beating heart.

But…………..  its still not over. 

We see the ring… on someone’s hand as he’s putting on a suit and going out.  Wait, he’s getting on a subway train.  He’s carrying that same leather bag.  Could it possibly be…?

I’m not telling.

Overall Ratings:

Blood use was awesome.  Creepy killer guy, check.  Not too many good quotes.   Odd creature twist.